Lost and broken

I hate to do this to you but I’m going to have a “let’s get real” moment with you.  It’s just something I need to get off my chest because I really think it’s been weighing me down.  So here it is:

When the St. Jude Marathon was canceled it broke me!

Still posting pics from the neighborhood marathon! Lesson from the weekend: don't let anyone tell you not to do something when you know it's possible! St. Jude Marathon may have been canceled but we still run on! @mystjude #sjmmw #iambft #marathon #sweatp

I know I ran the miles, but in my mind it wasn’t good enough! I started training for that marathon in June and I did almost every single run on my training plan except for 5 runs and those were always short runs I bailed on.  I invested time so much time into training for this marathon.  There was only one person, Willie, who knew how important it was for me to run that race.  Most everyone else in my life didn’t understand, accused me of a lot of things and frankly said some pretty rude things to me about my marathon training.  FYI: Until you really train for something AND want it really bad you’ll never understand and it’s really not my job to make you understand. But I really wanted it!  And I think all of that just kind of made the situation worse, fueling my need to just run that race on Dec 7, 2013!

Those runs were made in the hot humid Texas mornings at 4am while most people were still sleeping.  As the season changed, the runs got easier and I got more excited.  I pictured myself crossing the finish line in Memphis many many times and I couldn’t wait to become a marathoner.  I never thought I would run a marathon and I was putting in the work to get there. But it didn’t happen.

I ran the miles because I didn’t know what else to do, but I was left feeling empty inside.  I didn’t FEEL like I accomplished what I wanted to do, therefore my running suffered.  I didn’t want to run after that weekend.  Willie would constantly tell me I was amazing because I ran even when I didn’t have to run, but it wasn’t enough.  I didn’t even want to talk about it with other people because I did feel empty.  It didn’t seem like anything to me.

Running all of the sudden became a chore. I couldn’t run alone; I had to run with other people.  I didn’t want to keep going.  I had to push myself to do long runs and not give up.  I was broken.  I know I’m fully capable of doing the runs because I’ve done it many many times but all of the sudden 13.1 miles didn’t seem fun to me.  There was no way 26.2 would be a fireworks display in mind then, right? I struggled through every single run in the past 6 weeks and last weekend it was like a bomb exploded.  There was nothing Willie could say or do because it just wasn’t good enough.  I ran those 16 miles last week but I fought for those miles because I wanted to give up so badly.  I talked myself out of running The Louisiana Marathon at mile 6 last week. I cried, I screamed, I fought with Willie over the littlest things.  I was broken.  I was inconsolable.

10 miles done! Thanks to @williebeatfat running the first 7 with me! Wore my @gotchocomilk #teamrefuel visor today to boost my spirit and it worked! I've been battling a mental block the past month but today felt good! Next week is the @thelamarathon and

You may be thinking, why didn’t you just take a break?  I wanted to take a break but with my mind set I knew that if I stopped I wouldn’t go back.  I wouldn’t even try so I knew I had to keep pushing past this barrier. I’ve suffered through some really bad runs in the past month, but I STILL DID THEM! Which leads me to the place I am now: excited!  I ran my last long run of 10 miles yesterday and I felt good!  I feel ready to tackle The Louisiana Marathon on Sunday so I can become a MARATHONER! It’s important to me for some reason!  I guess I need to prove that I CAN DO IT because before I started a lot of things and never finished them.  I don’t ever want to be that person ever again!

So far the weather looks great for the race weekend on Saturday and Sunday and I’m ready to run one of the prettiest courses in the country…even if it runs through LSU! I’ll reserve the internal chat in my head during those miles just to repeat Hotty Toddy in my head a couple of times! All in all, I may not be completely there yet but I’m ready to run.  I know I wouldn’t have been at this point if I would have given up.  I’m glad Willie didn’t let me give up on myself either because that would have been the easy thing to do.

I’m ready to run.  Now the hard part is just getting through the week.  Guess what? Marathon is going to be on my mind, again!

What is one barrier or obstacle you’re glad you had to break through to get where you are now?

Taper makes me think

Taper makes me think

Today I was on the phone with a friend and they asked, “What’s the good word?” The good word is taper.  For all those who don’t know, taper happens close to a race where you scale back your mileage so you can rest up and recover for the race.  Taper is a good and bad thing.  It’s good because I won’t be running mega miles on the weekend but it bad because I’m not focused on running the mega mileage on the weekend.  It leaves room to think about other things. The thing that’s been on my mind lately is…

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Fresh pasta and meatballs

Fresh pasta and meatballs

Yesterday I had a very brutal run. It was my last long run before the marathon and it wasn’t really a fun run. It was windy and I gave myself a mental beating throughout the run. I talked myself out of running the marathon twice over the those 16 miles. Willie was there to supply me water/Nuun/words of encouragement every three miles. It was a very hard run but I made it through. And when I finished I noticed I ran those miles faster than last weekend. I just can’t believe that I let myself get mess with my head…

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A new year of goals

A new year of goals

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2014 and all that comes with it.  Last year was great but I want to make this year even better. I started off my morning with a 7.70 mile run.  If I would have known I was that close to 8 miles I would have kept going. We ran the resolution run with our friends to start off the year. I ran a little over 3 miles before we left home to meet the running group. I did a little bit more before the running group started and finished with the group. To my surprise,…

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Stopping the bad talk

Stopping the bad talk

This weekend was a supposed to be a time for rest.  It was supposed to be a time to relax so we went to visit a cute little girl and her family.  There was lots of princess talk and it was fun.  The infamous godchild is a big of ball of cuteness and fun. I also had my first visit to Charming Charlie.  It is like a SPARKLY RAINBOW EXPLODED in the store.  My mind was on overdrive the entire time I was in there.  I couldn’t focus on just one thing.  It was hard for me to found something…

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Christmas is over…

Christmas is over…

Christmas was pretty chill for us. We agreed to keep the gift giving to a minimum because we tend to go overboard. I got Willie a head light, Clif Bars and a cold weather pull over. He got me a BOX of Quest Bars and some chap stick. I’m a happy girl. I also got some airline giftcards (cause you know I’m always moving)!  I’m planning out 2014 as I type this…lots of travel to be happening I hope! We went to my sister’s house for Christmas. I wanted to get a good picture by the tree and Willie though…

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Race Recap: Santa Hustle Half Marathon

Race Recap: Santa Hustle Half Marathon

Excuse me for this being late, I was too lazy to blog yesterday. When my daily mile report came out yesterday it was all kinds of wrong. NO ONE should work out that much unless they are training for something and I AM NOT training for anything in particular. On Sunday I ran my 14th half marathon and final race of the year. This was supposed to be a fun run for me; kind of like a reward for all the hard work I put in this year. Christmas music + christmas cookies = a fun time. Everyone got a…

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Santa Hustle complete

Santa Hustle complete

Today I finished my 14th half marathon of they year.  No time to really talk about it that will come tomorrow.  But know it is done and enjoy the pictures. We got cool shirts but… Too bad it was too hot and I had to strip at mile 6. Glad I wore a tank top today! Cookies on the course but I didn’t eat them. I think I would be sick if I ate a cookie while running a half marathon. I just wanted to document the moment. Finished in 2:18 but it was kind of a rough run for…

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Sunday Run down

Sunday Run down

It’s been an eventful weekend but not in the way I planned.  Willie has been sick since Thursday night around midnight.  He never complains and he hates missing work but I knew something was up with him when he passed on two of his favorite meals.  Burger and pizza night were definitely a no go this week.  He’s been sleeping it off and I haven’t been able to spend much time with him because he’s been sleep.  On Friday night, he slept, I was bored so I watched Christmas movies on Lifetime.  It wasn’t so bad.  I actually liked the…

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After the marathon…

After the marathon…

You know what?  It’s super hard for me not to run.  I know I needed to take the days off but I really just wanted to run and I had already built up this serious running thing.  I had to take a few days off which is fine because I still had to teach my cycle classes. I need to take it easy and not hurt myself. I think people always forget about recovery! After the marathon I thought I would be hurting but I’m not.  I’m having a little ache in my knees but that’s due to not stretching…

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Save $20 on Rock n Roll Races TODAY ONLY

Save $20 on Rock n Roll Races TODAY ONLY

It’s a big day for all who want to run Rock n Roll races next year. TODAY only you can save up to $20 on races for next year! As you all know, I love these races for many reasons. These races have great sponsors, great organized races, great staff and volunteers and many great opportunities to run a great race. I also love these races because it gives me a chance to see the country. I set my PR at RnR Dallas, ran the hardest race of my life at RnR Denver, Willie ran his first half at RnR…

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