Lost and broken

I hate to do this to you but I’m going to have a “let’s get real” moment with you.  It’s just something I need to get off my chest because I really think it’s been weighing me down.  So here it is:

When the St. Jude Marathon was canceled it broke me!

Still posting pics from the neighborhood marathon! Lesson from the weekend: don't let anyone tell you not to do something when you know it's possible! St. Jude Marathon may have been canceled but we still run on! @mystjude #sjmmw #iambft #marathon #sweatp

I know I ran the miles, but in my mind it wasn’t good enough! I started training for that marathon in June and I did almost every single run on my training plan except for 5 runs and those were always short runs I bailed on.  I invested time so much time into training for this marathon.  There was only one person, Willie, who knew how important it was for me to run that race.  Most everyone else in my life didn’t understand, accused me of a lot of things and frankly said some pretty rude things to me about my marathon training.  FYI: Until you really train for something AND want it really bad you’ll never understand and it’s really not my job to make you understand. But I really wanted it!  And I think all of that just kind of made the situation worse, fueling my need to just run that race on Dec 7, 2013!

Those runs were made in the hot humid Texas mornings at 4am while most people were still sleeping.  As the season changed, the runs got easier and I got more excited.  I pictured myself crossing the finish line in Memphis many many times and I couldn’t wait to become a marathoner.  I never thought I would run a marathon and I was putting in the work to get there. But it didn’t happen.

I ran the miles because I didn’t know what else to do, but I was left feeling empty inside.  I didn’t FEEL like I accomplished what I wanted to do, therefore my running suffered.  I didn’t want to run after that weekend.  Willie would constantly tell me I was amazing because I ran even when I didn’t have to run, but it wasn’t enough.  I didn’t even want to talk about it with other people because I did feel empty.  It didn’t seem like anything to me.

Running all of the sudden became a chore. I couldn’t run alone; I had to run with other people.  I didn’t want to keep going.  I had to push myself to do long runs and not give up.  I was broken.  I know I’m fully capable of doing the runs because I’ve done it many many times but all of the sudden 13.1 miles didn’t seem fun to me.  There was no way 26.2 would be a fireworks display in mind then, right? I struggled through every single run in the past 6 weeks and last weekend it was like a bomb exploded.  There was nothing Willie could say or do because it just wasn’t good enough.  I ran those 16 miles last week but I fought for those miles because I wanted to give up so badly.  I talked myself out of running The Louisiana Marathon at mile 6 last week. I cried, I screamed, I fought with Willie over the littlest things.  I was broken.  I was inconsolable.

10 miles done! Thanks to @williebeatfat running the first 7 with me! Wore my @gotchocomilk #teamrefuel visor today to boost my spirit and it worked! I've been battling a mental block the past month but today felt good! Next week is the @thelamarathon and

You may be thinking, why didn’t you just take a break?  I wanted to take a break but with my mind set I knew that if I stopped I wouldn’t go back.  I wouldn’t even try so I knew I had to keep pushing past this barrier. I’ve suffered through some really bad runs in the past month, but I STILL DID THEM! Which leads me to the place I am now: excited!  I ran my last long run of 10 miles yesterday and I felt good!  I feel ready to tackle The Louisiana Marathon on Sunday so I can become a MARATHONER! It’s important to me for some reason!  I guess I need to prove that I CAN DO IT because before I started a lot of things and never finished them.  I don’t ever want to be that person ever again!

So far the weather looks great for the race weekend on Saturday and Sunday and I’m ready to run one of the prettiest courses in the country…even if it runs through LSU! I’ll reserve the internal chat in my head during those miles just to repeat Hotty Toddy in my head a couple of times! All in all, I may not be completely there yet but I’m ready to run.  I know I wouldn’t have been at this point if I would have given up.  I’m glad Willie didn’t let me give up on myself either because that would have been the easy thing to do.

I’m ready to run.  Now the hard part is just getting through the week.  Guess what? Marathon is going to be on my mind, again!

What is one barrier or obstacle you’re glad you had to break through to get where you are now?