This is a very hard blog post for me to write.  In fact, I’ve been putting it off for a LONG time.  I took a period off from blogging when I found out I was pregnant because what I wanted to write about I couldn’t.  It was a secret that I couldn’t share…yet.  I aim to be as transparent as possible with my blog when I finally decide to talk about something.  This is my Thinking Out Loud post.  This one is going to be hard.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was happy but at the same time I was sad.  Everything that I was use to doing kind of came to a halt.  I did some pretty treachous things to my body by running a marathon or two every weekend and working out so hard during the week. There was no way I was going to be able to keep that up SAFELY while pregnant.  That was my life.  That was my life I has become accustomed to for several years.  I was on a quest and I was determined to see it through until the end.

Running was the thing that kept me lean and in shape.  Running is my jam.  When I found out I was pregnant the first thing I thought about was: “I’m going to gain weight.”

I was scared.  I had successfully maintained weight loss for almost 3 years.  I was getting leaner and stronger everyday.  Being pregnant terrified me because of the fear of gaining the weight back.  There was great fear that I wouldn’t be running and I wouldn’t be able to keep up my level of exercise.  That fear set me into a tailspin.

I went rouge.  I indulged in milkshakes, fast food and everything else.  I just didn’t care.  I was wearing baggy clothes to hide my bloat.  My clothes didn’t fit the same way. I vowed never to wear baggy/loose fitting clothes ever again after losing the weight to make myself feel more comfortable.  Here I was trying to find the baggiest clothes in my closet. I was paranoid about the way I looked which sent me down the rabbit hole even deeper.

It was a cry for help really.  The only person who I felt could even understand what I was going through was Willie.  Others I actually reached out too didn’t seem to care…or they just didn’t understand…which came across like they didn’t care.  I felt helpless.

Those are the things I didn’t want to admit to you.

I felt trapped.  I was too tired to really work out.  Thank goodness I was kind of forced to teach my cycle classes because I knew for sure I would go workout.  When I did have the energy to workout it wasn’t the same because I wasn’t running.  FYI:  I was told that I could run until 20 weeks but my doctor, who is runner, told me I probably wouldn’t want to because it wouldn’t be the same.  It would be at a slower pace and I would get fatigued way easier.

I did a 5 mile race during 4th of July and I ran a little bit, but it was the most uncomfortable experience of my life.  The weekend after I found out I was for sure pregnant I went to Cincinatti to run The Flying Pig Marathon which I ended up dropping to the half before the race.  The day before I ran a 5k and 10K and it wasn’t a very fun experience for me. That’s why I didn’t really push the running issue with myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss it everyday.

Being thrust into a media spotlight means people are watching and talking.  I was gaining weight for a very good reason, but it was hard for me to swallow. Just months earlier, we were on the Today Show talking about our weight loss and now I would be gaining weight back.

Things changed for me when I was able to tell people that I was pregnant.  I guess maybe having to keep the secret was stress enough, once again probably due to that spotlight.  When we started telling people, everything changed for me.  I was able to accept it and move on.  The gaining the weight thing kind of faded into the background and my eating habits drastically changed.  I was back on track and could really start enjoying my pregnancy without the fear of gaining weight or being less active.

It sounds like nonsense now that I’m talking about it because I’m so far from that dark hole I was in then. But I have to admit that I was in that hole really deep because of fear of not being able to workout like normal and gaining weight. I’m learning to be better when I step on the scale at my doctors appointments and see a number I haven’t seen in years because I KNOW it’s for a greater and better cause.

It’s just one of those things that comes with weight loss.  It’s one of those things no one ever tells you that you’re going to worry about even in the most ridiculous situations.

On a lighter note, I still won’t wear baggy clothes during my pregnancy because it just makes me feel better about myself.  I’m not gaining weight; I’m growing a life. Remember attitude is everything and it’s you strength.  It just took me a little bit to get it all together.