Spending the weekend with my mom, I learned a lot about myself. It’s always nice to know that whenever things change, some things are still the same. She told me stories about me being protective with my feelings, being a rule follower, always trying to be helpful, people pleasing, creating magical lands of adventure and always looking for something more.
That was me and that’s still me.
I’ve always been a dreamer but I’ve always been afraid to take the risk. There was always some reason for me not to take the leap. It would hurt someone’s feelings, it may not end up well, it could fail…I would find the reason to proceed with caution and sometimes just follow the plan.
Do you know how many times I tried to lose weight before it actually worked? I couldn’t tell you because my life was filled with so many starts and not finishing. I was afraid of failure. I would get detoured at the first sign of trouble. I was afraid of never being good enough. I was afraid to move forward and risk the disappointment so I stayed where I was comfortable.
Even during the weight loss journey, I felt like people were fighting against us. I felt like people wanted us to fail. That may not have always been true, but it was hard. We wanted to make everyone happy but the truth was we threw a big wrench in everyone’s world. It was new and different not just to us but to everyone else in our lives. What would have happened if we quit because it was difficult and changed things? We wouldn’t be at the place we are right now. I know I would still be sitting on the couch devouring boxes of cookies. I quickly learned that I can’t make everyone else happy and continue to make myself happy. It chipped away at parts of my own happiness where I was left with very little.
Unhappiness is like a disease. It creeps in. It’s manifests into something else. It takes over everything, even the parts were unhappiness has no place to go. It creates more problems because it creates doubt and uncertainty.
Even now, when something is not going right, my first instinct is to retreat. I want to run and hide in a place no one can find me. But I’ve changed and I know this by one simple reason: I’m talking about it and moving forward. I’m not letting it fester into something else and start a downward spiral. That was me then…this is me now. I admit that I do feel that way even in this moment, but now I choose to confront my tears (because there have been a lot since January) and fears. I chose to take the risks of losing it all because if I don’t I’m not living my life. If I allow myself to do that, I’m hiding from life and definitely not living it.
It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. I told a friend the other day that people think I’m so together from the blog, but I’m really a hot mess. But the truth is, I’m not a hot mess, I go after what I want and I want to be the best version of myself everyday. I’m a constant work in progress and I’m learning new things everyday. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my stuff together, that just means I’m growing.
My mom told me I was always a dreamer and always wanting to go after something. I’ve always worked hard my entire life but felt like I never found my place. That is no longer the case. I have found my place in the world and I love where I am. I want to change the world somehow, someday. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I will. I know it’s not always the popular choice and most people don’t understand me. It’s not for others to understand, but it’s my job to accept that I will not always be understood. As long as I understand myself and keep my goals in mind, it will be ok. I will not always be liked and I definitely will not and cannot be everything to everyone. But I will still strive to be the best wife, daughter, sister and best friend I can possibly in life.
I hope you know there’s more to me than I show. I just need another beginning. I need you to know that I’ll get there. I just started, slowly. Now nothing can hold me. – Joshua Radin, Another Beginning
I’m a different person now. I start what I finish. I look forward to the next adventure. I am no longer afraid to stand alone. I know there are people in my life who support me unconditionally and I will cherish and love those people every day. I will hope. I will dream. I will succeed. If I don’t succeed I won’t be don’t upset because I failed, but I will learn and try again. Most importantly, I will grow and continue to grow everyday.
There are things you can change about your life, you just have to do it! There is no limit to what you can achieve if you truly believe it’s possible and work for it. If you don’t try, you’ll never know and you’ll be left with regret somewhere down the line. I would rather try and fail than to never start. What about you?